Not Quarrelsome (1 Timothy 3:3c)

A pastor once told a story of two brothers who inherited a family farm. For years they worked side by side, sharing tools, meals, and laughter together. But one day, a small misunderstanding grew into a bitter argument. Harsh words were spoken, silence followed, and soon the creek became a boundary between their two properties—and between their two hearts.

One morning, a carpenter knocked on the older brother’s door, looking for work. The brother said, “I have just the job for you. Do you see that farm across the creek? I want you to build me a fence—a fence high enough that I never have to see my brother’s face again, or even his farm.”

The carpenter went to work, but when the brother came home that evening, he didn’t find a fence. He found a bridge stretching across the creek, and walking towards him from the other side was his younger brother, with arms open and tears in his eyes. They met in the middle—no words, just grace.

In your family, are you building fences or bridges with your words? In your home, workplace, or even in the church, are you contributing to peace, or are you quietly feeding division? Christ came not to build walls but to break them down, reconciling us to God and therefore to one another. If we belong to him, his peace should rule not only in our hearts but also in our homes, our conversations and our relationships.

Let us consider together what it means to be “not quarrelsome”—to reflect the peace of Christ in a world that often thrives on conflict.

In 1 Timothy 3, Paul paints a portrait of a Christlike leader, one whose life reflects the transforming power of the gospel. Among these qualifications, he includes the short but searching phrase: “not quarrelsome.” The word Paul uses here means peaceable, not a fighter—very similar to “not contentious” or “not given to strife.” It describes someone whose temperament mirrors the Spirit’s fruit of peace that we see in Galatians 5.

But why does this matter so deeply? Because the credibility of the gospel is bound up with the character of its messengers. In Ephesus, false teachers had turned ministry into a means of gain, quarrels had arisen, and the church was divided. Paul insisted that those who lead the house of God must model the peace of Christ. A quarrelsome spirit reveals pride and self-assertion, but the gospel produces humility and gentleness under Christ’s lordship. As Calvin well observed, the minister must be a mirror of Christ’s meekness, not a spark to contention.

The peaceable heart is not a product of temperament but a fruit of transformation. The Spirit of Christ produces in his people what the world cannot: a deep, steady peace that builds rather than breaks down, that reconciles rather than divides.

Paul’s command that an overseer must not be quarrelsome reminds us that leadership begins with character, not competence. The peaceable leader reflects the peace of Christ. He has been reconciled to God and becomes, therefore, an instrument of reconciliation amongst God’s people. This spirit is not optional—it is essential.

The church, as the household of God (1 Timothy 3:15), thrives only when leaders embody the peace of Christ. A quarrelsome leader driven by ego fractures unity; a peaceable leader governed by grace nurtures it. As Calvin said, “He who is enflamed by his own passions cannot be a faithful steward of the gospel of peace.”

James reminds us: “The anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God” (James 1:20). The peace of God requires the Spirit’s work, subduing pride, calming anger and replacing it with gentleness. By nature, our hearts are quarrelsome. We defend, we demand, we dominate. But the Spirit changes the soil of our heart and cultivates meekness where pride once ruled.

This peace is rooted in union with Christ. Having been reconciled vertically to God, believers now live out this reconciliation horizontally. “Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts” (Colossians 3:15). The word “rule” there literally means to act as an umpire, to decide or determine the outcome. Paul uses it metaphorically to describe how the peace of Christ should function within the believer’s inner life and, by extension, the community of believers.

When the peace of Christ rules in the leader’s heart, that peace becomes both the umpire within and the witness without—guarding inner decisions and shaping outer influence. Such a leader becomes a channel through which Christ’s reconciling peace flows to others.

To be “not quarrelsome” is to mirror Christ’s own peace in the midst of disagreement. Jesus navigated conflict with both truth and grace. He corrected without crushing. He spoke firmly yet tenderly. “Blessed are the peacemakers,” he said, “for they shall be called sons of God” (Matthew 5:9).

Peaceable leadership doesn’t avoid conflict—it redeems it. This is crucial to understand. When Peter withdrew from eating with the Gentile believers, Paul opposed him to his face (Galatians 2:11), not out of pride or quarrelsomeness but out of a deep concern for the truth of the gospel. His correction was not a personal attack but an appeal for doctrinal clarity and an attempt to preserve the unity that flows from justification by faith alone. Paul’s firmness was principled, not pugnacious. He stood for truth whilst seeking restoration, showing that peaceableness does not mean silence in the face of error but “speaking the truth in love” (Ephesians 4:15).

When leaders and church members embody this posture of gentleness and peaceableness—when strength and speech are both under Christ’s control—they cultivate an atmosphere of harmony. On this platform, the gospel flourishes. A peaceable leader thus becomes a living testimony of grace at work.

If the foundation of peace is a transformed heart, the practice of peace requires a disciplined tongue. James gives us a striking practical pattern: “Let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God” (James 1:19–20).

Our words reveal the posture of our heart. “Out of the abundance of the heart the mouth speaks” (Matthew 12:34). A quarrelsome spirit erupts in hasty words; a peaceable spirit listens before it speaks. To be quick to hear and slow to speak is not weakness—it is faith in action. It acknowledges that God is sovereign, even in moments of tension, and that his truth doesn’t depend on our immediate defence. Patience in speech is an act of submission to divine providence. It says, “Lord, I trust you to work even when I stay silent” (Romans 12:19).

Impulsive speech springs from pride—the need to be right rather than to be righteous. But gentleness or meekness is not weakness. It is strength under control. That same strength is seen in peaceableness: It is the tongue under control.

James warns about the danger of an uncontrolled tongue—how such a small spark can set a great forest ablaze (James 3:5). Words can destroy relationships, divide churches and dishonour Christ. But “the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, open to reason, full of mercy and good fruits” (James 3:17). It speaks life instead of death.

Gentleness is strength restrained; peaceableness is speech restrained—both flowing from a heart that is ruled by Christ. Both reflect the Spirit’s maturity: a will surrendered, emotions tempered and words measured in love.

This theological concept is known as the mortification of sin—the daily putting to death of self-driven impulses. Practising patience is an expression of this mortification. When we bridle our tongues, we declare that grace, not emotion, governs our hearts. The Spirit enables us to turn reaction into reflection and speech into service.

Christ himself embodied this peaceable patience. In Matthew 12:19, it is written that “he will not quarrel or cry aloud.” Before Pilate, he was silent—not out of fear but out of holy restraint and trust in the Father. His gentle and lowly heart fulfilled Isaiah’s prophecy of a servant who would not break a bruised reed (Isaiah 42:3). In his gentleness, he revealed true strength.

When we listen before we speak, we mirror his heart. Listening is not passivity—it’s an act of love. It honours others as image-bearers and invites understanding before judgement. Such wisdom transforms relationships and creates a culture of spiritual maturity.

To practise patience is to listen with grace, speak with restraint and trust God to work through gentle wisdom rather than angry words. When we live this way, we reflect the peace of Christ, building harmony in the church and acting as beacons of hope before a watching world.

We can observe several areas of practical application of this truth.

First, in the church, mature Christians cultivating gospel-formed community. The church should be a living testimony of the peace that Christ has purchased. Paul’s command to leaders is also a command to every believer: to guard unity and model gentleness. How do we do this?

Refuse to fuel gossip or division. When you hear complaints or rumours, direct the conversation towards understanding and prayer.

Pursue understanding before correction. Listen first, as James 1:19 instructs.

Model reconciliation. Take the initiative to restore relationships. Don’t wait for the other person to come to you—take that step yourself.

Speak truth in love. Firmness and gentleness are not opposites. They coexist in Christ (2 Timothy 2:24–25).

Pray for your leaders. Peace in leadership often flows from the prayers of God’s people.

A peaceable church is a powerful witness in a quarrelsome world.

Second, at school or in the workplace, respond rather than reacting. Calm respect demonstrates strength, not weakness.

Value other people’s opinions. Disagree without hostility or sarcasm.

Lead by example in group work. Foster cooperation rather than rivalry.

Resist drama or division amongst peers. Don’t participate in destructive patterns.

Include overlooked or marginalised colleagues. Peacemakers build bridges where others draw lines.

Third, in the home, understand that peace will be tested.

Home is where our theology is tested and our character revealed. The call to be “not quarrelsome” begins not in the pulpit or the workplace but around the dinner table, in the living room, in the quiet—or sometimes not so quiet—moments of family life. The home is meant to be a laboratory of grace, a place where peace is practised daily through forgiveness, patience and gentle words.

Guard your tone. Speak to your spouse, your children or your parents with the same gentleness you would use in prayer.

Pause before reacting. When tensions rise, breathe and pray before you speak. A moment of silence often prevents a storm.

Confess quickly and forgive freely. Peace in the home grows where repentance and grace are the norm.

Model peace for the next generation. Children learn how to handle conflict by watching how their parents do it—not perfectly, but penitently.

Make your home a refuge. Let it be a place known for love that covers a multitude of sins, where Christ’s peace rules in your hearts.

A peaceful home is the strongest testimony of a peaceful heart. This is where Christ reigns in a household. The gospel shines most clearly for unsaved family members and a watching world.

The call to be “not quarrelsome” in 1 Timothy 3 is not a minor leadership detail—it is a reflection of the gospel itself. Peace is not a personality trait; it is a fruit of redemption. It flows from a heart reconciled to God and ruled by the Spirit of Christ. Only those who have tasted this peace can extend peace to others.

The foundation of peace reminds us that peace begins with those who are in Christ. The practice of patience calls us to walk in peace daily, restraining anger and allowing the Spirit to shape our responses.

When we do this, we receive a wonderful promise from the Peacemaker himself as we lift our eyes to eternity. Every act of peacemaking is a preview of the kingdom that is coming, when peace will reign perfectly under Christ’s rule. The peace we practise now is a foretaste of the peace we will enjoy forever.

The gospel not only saves—it sanctifies. It transforms quarrelsome hearts into Christlike hearts. The world is watching. When it sees believers who refuse to quarrel and who choose to love, it catches a glimpse of the Prince of Peace himself. When the peace of Christ reigns amongst his people, the world catches a glimpse of the kingdom that is to come and the King who makes all things new.

AMEN