In our previous study, we noted that our text (Colossians 3:20-21) focuses on the issue of the radical child. We have spent some time in Colossians 3:18-21 examining the radical family. We began with an overview of the radical family, then narrowed it down to the radical marriage, before examining the radical wife and the radical husband in turn. Last study, we began an examination of the radical child, and it is with this theme that we continue in this study.

We noted previously, whilst v. 21 gives instructions to fathers concerning childrearing, the focus really is more on the radical child than it is on the radical father. From our present context, v. 21 really concludes the study of the radical family, though as we will see, v. 22 (an exhortation to slaves) also falls within the purview of the radical family—at least at the time in which it was written.

In our previous study, we noted . . . things about the radical child. We saw that the radical child is (1) covenantally connected, (2) commanded, (3) consistent, (4) confident and contented, and (5) Christ-centred. We then briefly turned our attention to the radical father and noted that he, too, is covenantally connected. In this study, we continue our consideration of the radical father—as he relates to the radical child—and we note several more characteristics.

The Radical Father is Confident

One of the failures of the recent generation of church leaders was that principles of godly fatherhood were not taught from a biblical perspective. Instead, a lot of good old homespun wisdom was the norm. There was a lot of reference to external rules but not enough biblical exposition concerning a father’s involvement in the lives of his children. There was a lot of emphasis upon children being in church and a lot of emphasis upon what to be against, but not enough emphasis upon what they were to be for. Many fathers in evangelical churches were emotionally passive, intellectually unengaged and relationally distant—but with a Christianised flavour. That is, this was assumed to be how Christian fathers behaved because, after all, “that is how my dad was.”

As noted, the blame for much of this unbiblical focus must be placed squarely on the shoulders of church leaders, and in particular pastor-teachers. For too long, pastor-teachers—and I include myself in this group—ignored the fundamental biblical teaching on fatherhood and allowed the status quo to reign.

Sadly, the vast majority of evangelical churches taught that how your children turned out was actually something of a metaphysical gamble. Parenting, in other words, was understood to be a coin toss. One of the most frequently quoted, and most frequently misinterpreted, verses in Scripture was Proverbs 22:6. Solomon writes, “Train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” This was taken as a promise, which was interpreted along these lines: “Train up a child in the way he should go (take him to church, be moral, get him to pray the sinner’s prayer, etc.), and when he is old you can be pretty sure that he will depart from it—but don’t worry: He will return to ‘the faith.’”

And so, when teenagers apostatised from the faith, parents courageously held onto “the promise of Proverbs” that their children would one day return to the way in which they were raised.

Of course, this verse says nothing of the sort. On the contrary, it leaves no room for departure. It tells us that if we train our child up “in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it.” It says nothing about a child departing and later returning; rather, it says that the child will not depart in the first place. How in the world we were ever persuaded that “not departing” and “departing” were synonymous should baffle and sadden us.

And yet this text—and others—does offer great hope. If we raise our children biblically, they will not depart from the way in which they were raised. There are wonderful biblical promises in which to root our parenting. And fathers particularly must do so. The success of or failure of a family largely depends on its father.

I recently spent a Saturday evening at a local shopping centre with my family. I was saddened to watch many young girls wandering the centre with young men who did not look fit at all to care for the young ladies in their company, young men with whom I most certainly would not entrust any of my daughters. As I watched, I had to ask myself sadly, “Where are the fathers?” So many fathers have just left their children to do as they please. And, sadly, this is as true inside the church as it is outside.

I am convinced that if we will have an awakening and a radical reformation in our day then it must begin with and focus heavily on Christian men. Hear what Malachi said to a people in desperate need of reformation:

Remember the Law of Moses, My servant, which I commanded him in Horeb for all Israel, with the statutes and judgements. Behold, I will send you Elijah the prophet before the coming of the great and dreadful day of the LORD. And he will turn the hearts of the fathers to the children, and the hearts of the children to their fathers, lest I come and strike the earth with a curse.

(Malachi 4:4-6)

We need covenantal confidence (from which will spring parental covenantal commitment in raising our children). That is, we need to be confident in the promises of God.

Yes, we should expect to see the salvation of our children. Parenting is not a coin toss. Believing parents need to be instructed—and encouraged—by the church to raise their children on the promise that they will be saved. Let me explain that further.

But note that we are to raise our children by standing on the promises not merely by bringing them to the premises. Claiming the promises requires more than merely coming to the premises.

We must raise our children on promises, not on presumption. We are never to presume upon the grace of God. We are never encouraged in Scripture to take God’s salvation for granted. And yet, at the same time, neither are we discouraged by the Scripture to ignore the promises to parents concerning the raising of a godly seed.

I know that for many this sounds very strange—perhaps even heretical. But nevertheless the Word of God encourages us to believe God for the salvation of our children and it motivates and guides us to behave towards our children (and before our God) in such a way that says “You, by the grace of God will be saved.”

Sadly, many believing parents do not believe and behave like believing parents when it comes to the salvific expectations of their children. Author Robert Andrews laments that many parents say something like,

“Whether or not children stay on the path in today’s world is purely a [gamble]. I’m afraid to have children for fear they will rebel, and be nothing but trouble.”

Tragically, this is the attitude of many Christian parents. They feel that the destiny of their children is purely up to chance, a sort of [luck of the draw.] Satan has tricked us with misinformation like this, and cut off the major source of power to extend the kingdom of God into the next generation, our children.

Of course, people love citing “exceptions” to the rule as examples to prove their point. I have heard many of the supposed caveats to my thesis, such as: “So-and-so are good and godly people and yet their children do not follow the Lord.” Or, “How do you explain the fact that some families have children who believe and others who do not? Surely you cannot say that we should expect all the children of believing parents to be saved?”

I hear these objections, and my sympathies attend the way of these heartbroken parents. Nevertheless the Word of God trumps testimonials. “Let God be true but every man a liar” (Romans 3:4).

It is not my purpose to try and answer every objection to this biblical expectation and neither is it my purpose to try and identify every parental failure that could be cited as evidence of why certain children are not following the Lord. But let me make one point: When you scratch your head over why some people whom you know to be godly have children who are not believers, understand that we are all works in progress. And perhaps much of the authentic godliness that you see today in their lives was not have been there when their children were younger. I know that I can certainly look at my history as a parent and enumerate many failures.

But further, as I observed previously, the church—its leadership—for far too long failed many of these parents. And though we cannot change the past we can work in the present for a better future.

But let me give you one proof that parenting is not a gamble when it comes to salvific expectancy of our children. I refer to 1 Timothy 3:4-5 and Titus 1:6, where one requirement for pastors is that their children be “in submission with all reverence” and “faithful . . . not accused of dissipation or insubordination.” If a man does not meet these qualifications, he is unfit for the office of pastor.

Now, since pastors are to be examples to the flock, Christ expects for His undershepherds to lead their children to be believing church members. Essentially, what God is saying is, “If such men who desire to be elders cannot be effective with the gospel in their home then don’t expect them to be effective with gospel in the church.”

Of course, some may argue that this is special case for pastors. I strongly disagree, and one reason is because if that were the case then the example that pastors set would be an unattainable task for everyone else. In fact, it would be a fraudulent example. It would be an empty hope for other church members. No, just as in every other character requirement mentioned in these passages, the pastor’s unblemished example is attainable by each and every church member. After all, pastors are also merely human!

The temptation, of course, is to resist this biblical principle in order to protect ourselves lest we fail. To affirm this biblical truth and yet to end up with unbelieving children is a most convicting and uncomfortable situation in which to find oneself. The radical father, on the other hand, embraces the promises of Scripture and commits to be a radical father, who helps his wife to be a radical mother that both might rejoice over having a radical child. You can do so by the grace of God, for the glory God through the glorious gospel of God.

The Radical Father is Commanded

This almost does not need to be said but then again, we might miss it: Verse 21 is a commandment to fathers. It is not merely a suggestion. Fathers are commanded to fulfill this mandate (as well as that in Ephesians 6:4), and whether or not you obey your commandment will have a lot to do with whether or not your children obey theirs.

As I sought to point out in our studies in vv. 18-19, the Lord expects husbands to so love their wives that wives are thereby empowered to radically submit to their husbands. In the matter of children, fathers are to so love and lead their children that they are empowered to radically obey their parents. That is, the radical father lovingly submits to this commandment.

The father indeed has authority, but he is clearly also a man under authority as the commandment of v. 21 makes clear. Let’s look at this more closely.

Radical fathers are those who recognise that they are under authority and they are thus in a position to effectively rule with authority. The radical father has a biblical understanding of authority. This empowers him to rule his spirit and to thereby not exasperate his children. It further empowers him to help his wife to keep from being exasperated and to guard the children from becoming exasperated by her!

The Radical Father Commands

American poet Ogden Nash once cynically wrote, “Parents were invented to make children happy by giving them something to ignore.” This, of course, is downright unbiblical—regardless of how humorous it may be. Fathers should not tolerate their children ignoring them.

Our children must understand that we are commanded by God to command them, and under God’s command, we must command them to obey us. Radical fathers engender in their children a healthy fear factor.

Fathers, your children should have respect that you are a man of your word. How often do we make empty promises to our children! We may promise to take them somewhere or give them something but then we get distracted and we forget. Or we may utter empty warnings to them: “If you don’t stop that now you will be disciplined!” And then when they continue, “No, really, if you don’t stop now . . .” and so forth. Our children must respect that we are men of our word.

Some fathers need to grow up. They need to move from boyhood to adulthood. Some might need to put away their toys—and stop playing with their kids toys!—and start behave like adults. That is, they must take responsibility. There is absolutely nothing wrong with having a close relationship with your children, but children must know that their father is not their “buddy.” He is a father—an authority—not an equal.

The Radical Father is Courageous

This is implied in these verses and is clearly stated in the parallel passage in Ephesians 6:1-4.

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. “Honour your father and mother,” which is the first commandment with promise: “that it may be well with you and you may live long on the earth.” And you, fathers, do not provoke your children to wrath, but bring them up in the training and admonition of the Lord.

Fathers must shoulder their God-given responsibility to discipline their children and to instruct them, to raise them for the Lord. Radical fathers do the hard thing. They exercise the courage to lead, to say no! And when they say it they do so respectfully and thus are respected. They also exercise the courage to also say yes!

If it is a hard thing to say no to our children, it is often even harder to say yes. When our children are young we often find ourselves saying no, refusing them permission to do certain things. Some fathers are too afraid to disappoint their young children to say no. Radical fathers are not so.

But when our children grow up, we find it necessary more and more to say yes. Someone has said that parenting is the process of releasing responsibility, and this is a good picture. We say no to our young children when they want ice cream before dinner, or to stay up and watch TV rather than going to bed. But as our children grow old we must relax the rules. We have to eventually say yes when they ask to borrow the car. We have to say yes when they ask our permission to get married. And saying yes can be as terrifying a prospect—and perhaps more so—than saying no. But radical fathers know when to say yes and when to say no, and they garner the respect of their children in this.

My father-in-law once humorously yet wisely said to me that our children will hate us at some point, but it is far better for them to hate us when they are young because we say no than it is for them to hate us when they are older because we always said yes. In other words, though young children may not like us for setting rules, when they grow older they will respect us for those same rules. Fat better for us to do the hard thing now and reap the rewards later than to cater to popularity now and suffer for it later.

It takes courage to raise a godly seed. It is often countercultural: We are forced to go against the status quo. Ultimately, it requires death to self.

Importantly, fathers must understand that this responsibility is one that they may not delegate to anyone else. We may not leave the raising of our children to our wives, to the church, to school or to disciplers. God has commanded fathers in this regard, and to delegate this authority to others is nothing less than rebellion. When it comes to parenting, “may not” is quite literally also “cannot.” We cannot delegate our God-given responsibility to others.

The Radical Father is Calm

Fathers are clearly commanded to “not provoke” their children (cf. Ephesians 6:4). The word means “to stir up” or “to exasperate.” The radical father rules his spirit, thereby empowering his child to be radical rather than raging.

It is because he is not easily exasperated that the radical father does not exasperate his children. He is reasonable in his commands; he knows the difference between childishness and rebellion; he makes a distinction between house rules and God’s rules. And so he does not go into a fit of rage when his two-year-old spills milk at the breakfast table. He may sternly correct her if she throws her milk at her mother, but he understands the difference between childishness and rebellion.

Since the father is responsible to ensure that his children are not exasperated, the radical father must be willing to lead his wife away from this sin if it is her tendency to exasperate her children.

When fathers fail to discipline, they run the risk of disheartening their children, for children without boundaries receive a message loud and clear that they are unloved.

The Radical Father Commends

This is clearly connected to v. 20 because there is always the danger that either parent can be so demanding, so hard to please, and so cheap when it comes to heaping commendation, that their children become “discouraged.” Children can easily lose heart and become dispirited and sullen in their duties.

Solomon wrote, “A merry heart does good, like medicine, but a broken spirit dries the bones” (Proverbs 17:22). William Hendriksen catches the spirit of this commandment when he writes,

Fathers should create an atmosphere which will make obedience an easy and natural matter, namely, the atmosphere of love and confidence. . . . When fathers are unjust or overly severe, a spirit of sullen resignation is created in the hearts of their offspring. The children “lose heart,” thinking, “No matter what I do, it’s always wrong.”

John Newton, famous for his hymn Amazing Grace, once reflected, “I know that my father loved me—but he did not seem to wish me to see it.” This is the sad testimony of many a Christian today. May God deliver us from giving our children the same impression. Instead, let us heed the words of Martin Luther, who wrote, “Spare the rod and spoil the child. It is true. But beside the rod keep an apple to give him when he does well.”

Fathers, do you give praise or constant criticism? Do you look for opportunities to affirm? “A man has joy by the answer of his mouth, and a word spoken in due season, how good it is!” (Proverbs 15:23).

The Radical Father is Conscientious

The radical father is alert to fulfilling his responsibility. But herein lies the danger. We must be careful in our zeal to obey God’s command that we do not break the spirit of our children as we seek to break their self-will.

Bryan Chapell helpfully writes,

Training carries the positive connotation—parents are to model, teach and encourage godly patterns of life. Instruction contains a negative nuance—parents are to warn, correct and discipline when actions or attitudes are inconsistent with godliness. . . . Godly parenting requires a balance of affirmation and correction…If we do not have a grip on grace, then we will not have the courage to discipline; but if grace has no grip on us, then there will be no constraint on our discipline.

Remember this admonition, “The twig is to be bent with caution, not broken in the efforts of a rude and hasty zeal” (Eadie).

As noted above, parenting is about releasing responsibility. Think of a parent’s responsibility as a sluice gate in a dam wall. The gates must be open at just the right time. If the gates open at the appropriate time, much good results. If they are opened either too early or too late, great harm may be done. At some point we must let our children go—but not too soon, and not too late!

The important question at this point is, how can we keep our conscientiousness from morphing into unbiblical control? This brings us to our next point.

The Radical Father Communicates

Without communication, much exasperation can occur. God did not merely give us eyes to see but also ears with which to listen. “The hearing ear and the seeing eye, the LORD has made them both” (Proverbs 20:12). If we are too focused on watching for our children’s wrongs, we can easily fail to communicate with them as we ought.

Fathers are often able to see the wrong but are not too good at listening as to the why. But oftentimes, if they would but listen, they would understand better what they think they saw! Rather than immediately reaching for the wooden spoon when you see your child’s hand in the cookie jar, perhaps you would do well to ask exactly what he is doing. You may find out that he is putting back a cookie that his sister took, or perhaps that his mother has given him permission to have a cookie. Communication can go a long way in preventing exasperation.

Of course, when we communicate, we must do so genuinely. I must admit, to my shame, that I have failed much in this area. My children have often been talking to me and have said, “Dad, you have that look!” What they mean is that they can see that I am not really listening to them. We must show genuine interest when we listen to our children. They will easily detect when we are only giving them half an ear.

Importantly, fathers should learn to listen to their children when they are young so that they will listen when they are older. And learn to listen while they are young so that they will want to talk when they are older! If you are “too busy” to communicate with your children it is unlikely that they will grow in a desire to communicate with you as they grow older. Sadly, many a father has desired a closer relationship with his older children, but the children are disinterested because he never showed any genuine interest in them as children.

The Radical Father is Christ-centred

I was recently driving somewhere with my wife, and we drove past a building under construction. I commented on the quick progress that they were making on the building, and then said, “Actually, that’s a temple, and it is far more of a threat to the church than a mosque.” When my wife asked what kind of a temple it was, I replied, “A Virgin Active.” (Virgin Active is a gym in South Africa.)

The sad truth is that so many fathers are obsessed with their physical appearance but could not be bothered with their spiritual strength. They are more bicep-centred than Christ-centred. They will rise early to head off to gym, but they cannot find the time to pray and read God’s Word.

As with all the other commandments in this section, the motivation for the radical father is his relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ. When the father is consumed with Christ (by the ministry of the Holy Spirit, cf. Ephesians 5:18), he is ever growing towards manifesting a life characterised by grace and truth. As Chapell says, parents must be in “the grip of grace” if they will biblically (radically) lead their children for Christ and thus to Christ.

Fathers, develop and maintain a meaningful devotional life.

Confess your failures—your sins—to your wife and to your children, and experience God’s wonderful healing. As their forgiveness when you sin. Kathy Chapell commented, “Understanding grace was not a hard thing for me, because I grew up with it all around me.” Would to God that our homes would be filled with grace so that our children can easily understand the grace we preach.

Don’t expect from your children what cannot be inspected in your own life. (That is, don’t be a hypocrite!) Work on loving God with all of your heart, soul, mind and strength, for only then will you be empowered to pass this on to your children (see Deuteronomy 6). Your children will thereby be empowered, enriched rather than exasperated.

The Radical Father is Convicted

No doubt, we can all feel the sharp pricks of the Spirit’s conviction. What will we do? Well, if we are radical, then we will run Christ for more grace.

We have God’s promise that if we humble ourselves in the sight of the Lord then He will raise us up. Then we can be used by Him to raise a godly seed.

Radical fathers are committed to Christ and thus are courageous to admit their failures, their sins. May you be such a father and may we increasingly see a radical family for the glory of God.

A Concluding Question

The question, of course, must be asked, what about single-parent homes? (I am thinking particularly of those homes where the single parent is the mother.) How does this verse apply? How can the local church help such homes in raising a godly seed?

James tells us that the local church has a great responsibility toward such homes. “Pure and undefiled religion before God and the Father is this: to visit orphans [read, fatherless] and widows in their trouble, and to keep oneself unspotted from the world” (James 1:27).

In addition to raising our own families for Christ, radical fathers in the local church may well be required to stand in the gap and assist other families in the church. Sadly, fatherless families have a poor success rate when it comes to raising a godly seed. But God has given the local church great resources and great power. The local church heals itself, and as radical fathers come alongside other families in the church, and help them in their desire to raise a godly seed, God pours out abundant grace in time of need.

So, fathers, let us work on loving God with all our heart, soul, mind and strength, and then let us labour to pass that grace onto succeeding generations.